You Stand Watching

This journal contains mostly locked entries with the occasional public entry.

I'm going to be making a totally fluffy post here, that is a bit vapid and has little to do with my real life or what's going on with me. I hope you all don't mind.

I have found the end all be all of all nail products. I had been wanting them for awhile, and Jan bought me some to cheer me up.

Let me just preface this by saying I normally hate fake nails. I hate the damage they do to your real nails, I hate the cost and commitment (you have to get them done every 1-2 weeks). I've always just preferred to paint my real nails, but that can be a pain too as the paint usually chips within five days (generally within three). And who has time to paint their damn nails every few days? So my nails usually went unpainted. Unless I was in one of my nail-painting-phases, which of course never lasted the test of time.

One day, I was reading Cosmo (don't laugh!) and I read about these press on nails (I TOLD YOU NOT TO LAUGH!). They come in short lengths, and are supposedly easy to use. I had to go to several stores to find the color I wanted in stock (a sign of a good product, when you think about it). I doubted the "lasts up to a week" guarantee, but dutifully stuck them on my nails according to the directions. Whatever they use for adhesive is pretty intense because I'm on day #4 here and they're going strong. I've opened sodas, showered, typed on my keyboard (as I'm obviously doing now) and had no problems. They are also not that long, either, so they can pass for my real nails. And, they cost $5-$6 depending on where you get them (they are cheapest at Wal Mart, FYI).

Once you're sick of them, they easily remove with a swipe of nail polish remover on the edges, and they don't damage your own nails. Nifty! I'm totes thrilled. I guess it doesn't take much, eh?

I kept meaning to upload this here.

I trimmed my hair. Well, had it trimmed. The place down the street is cheaper than supercuts!

I forgot to upload this. Obviously, taken on the last day of Hanukkah.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
Love the way you lie


I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight all I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight

High off on love, drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love it
The more I suffer, I suffocate
Right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fuckin' hates me, and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
Cuz when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back
She's Louis Lane and when its bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snap "Who's that dude?"
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stood so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


You ever love somebody so much,
you could barely breathe when you with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills you still get 'em
Now you gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're in 'em

It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say it's best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya cuz today,
That was yesterday, yesterday is over and it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over
But you promised her, next time you'd show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it "window pane"


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routines
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded

Baby please come back, it wasn't you. Baby it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much, to walk away now
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
I told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again,
Ima tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


This is exactly what it's like to be in a dysfunctional marriage.

And if anyone identifies with this, just remember, you CAN leave, and you DO deserve better. There is a way out.

If you need help finding resources for domestic violence in Northern California, please contact me and I can help.

my friend shannonkringen is an amazing artist located in Seattle, WA. Her work is absolutely stunning. AND she's a rockin' political activist, plus an all around wonderful person.

I encourage you all to visit her website at http://www.shannonkringen.com/

What's NOT to love about Hanukkah!?!?!?! Gifts, candles, singing, yummy food? Hello, it's like the funnest holiday EVAH. AND it lasts for 8 days!

It's also based on a miracle. Everyone can use a miracle.

My candles are lit right now. They look beautiful.

Because of my recent experience, I felt the need to post this, in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else who found themselves caught in The Bell Jar.

If any of you who are reading this find yourself or someone you know considering committing suicide, please, please call this number:

In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

They saved my life.

I am NEVER taking this off. I had to special order it and look through 20394238094302 catalogs and yeah. I'm really, really happy. It's perfect.