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Vulnerable

So, I post about my feelings. A lot. Some of the way I sort through things is by writing about it. I used to blog on livejournal all the time, but I've moved over to other social media sites because I'm more active there.

Every now and then, someone says something to me that gets under my skin. It doesn't happen very often anymore. For the most part I don't put a lot of stock into what strangers on the internet might think of me. I have my little circle of friends whose opinions I do care about, and that's that.

I've seen trolls come and go. I've been trolled so hard it spilled into my real life (someone called CPS on me for funzies). I was around when 4chan and other childfree communities trolled the breastfeeding groups on livejournal (epic!). Now that's some trolling, yo.

I've had numerous people over the years create sock accounts just to friend me for snark fodder. So usually, most of the time, when someone trolls me I'm like whatever. Block, report, delete (in that order).

I'm getting at something, I swear it.

I saw this comment and it got me to thinking.

"...which is why it's probably a bad idea to make yourself vulnerable on the internet: you can't control what anyone tells you. The internet is a diverse bunch of strangers who will have a broad range of reactions to things."

It's true that you can't control what people say to you. Anytime you open yourself up and post about your feels you're taking a risk.

But I'd rather post honestly, from my heart and take the risk than stay silent because someone might be mean to me. Sure, I've cried over the internet (not in a very long time, though). There are plenty of cruel people in the world, especially when they're protected by the anonymity of the internet. But there's also a lot of wonderful people out there.

By posting honestly and letting my vulnerability show, my writing has touched many people over the years, and I've made internet friends (quite a few of whom I've met in person) that I've kept for over a decade now. That alone is worth a few haters.

I may be vulnerable at times, but I'm always strong.
I kept meaning to upload this here.

I trimmed my hair. Well, had it trimmed. The place down the street is cheaper than supercuts!

Menorah

I forgot to upload this. Obviously, taken on the last day of Hanukkah.

I Love The Way You Lie



Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
Love the way you lie


I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight all I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight

High off on love, drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love it
The more I suffer, I suffocate
Right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fuckin' hates me, and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
Cuz when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back
She's Louis Lane and when its bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snap "Who's that dude?"
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stood so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


You ever love somebody so much,
you could barely breathe when you with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills you still get 'em
Now you gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're in 'em

It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say it's best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya cuz today,
That was yesterday, yesterday is over and it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over
But you promised her, next time you'd show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it "window pane"


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routines
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded

Baby please come back, it wasn't you. Baby it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much, to walk away now
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
I told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again,
Ima tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna


Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear my cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie


This is exactly what it's like to be in a dysfunctional marriage.

And if anyone identifies with this, just remember, you CAN leave, and you DO deserve better. There is a way out.

If you need help finding resources for domestic violence in Northern California, please contact me and I can help.

Shannon Kringen's Amazing Photos





my friend shannonkringen is an amazing artist located in Seattle, WA. Her work is absolutely stunning. AND she's a rockin' political activist, plus an all around wonderful person.

I encourage you all to visit her website at http://www.shannonkringen.com/

Writer's Block: Festival of Lights

What do you love about Hanukkah?


What's NOT to love about Hanukkah!?!?!?! Gifts, candles, singing, yummy food? Hello, it's like the funnest holiday EVAH. AND it lasts for 8 days!

It's also based on a miracle. Everyone can use a miracle.

My candles are lit right now. They look beautiful.

Choose Life.

Because of my recent experience, I felt the need to post this, in the hopes that maybe it will help someone else who found themselves caught in The Bell Jar.

If any of you who are reading this find yourself or someone you know considering committing suicide, please, please call this number:

In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

They saved my life.

Where I stood

Star of David

I am NEVER taking this off. I had to special order it and look through 20394238094302 catalogs and yeah. I'm really, really happy. It's perfect.

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